Setting Expectations For and With Your Teen

By Vestina F. Crayton, Extension Education Instructor, 4-H Youth Development

Setting boundaries for your teens can be a daunting task. With so many outside influences, it’s challenging to anticipate all the possible issues that your teen may face. However, establishing clear, specific expectations and consequences sets the foundation to provide positive and effective guidance.
Your teen is growing up and is grappling with the consequences of individual choices. This is a time when the teen brain moves from responding to the world emotionally to logically.
Explaining to your teens the importance of making rules and the corresponding consequences promotes inclusion. Including your teen in the process, help develop your teen’s self esteem, decision making and critical thinking skills. Research conducted by the University of Florida IFAS Extension suggests the following approach for parents and teens:

Identify expectations: Realistic and Unrealistic
Realistic - Both parent and teen would agree that respect and safety are realistic expectations.. Creating an atmosphere where family members feel comfortable with sharing their values, opinions, and perspectives without judgment or ridicule, encourages open and honest dialogue. As mentioned earlier, with the numerous distractions that a teen may encounter, it’s critical that families have candid discussion about the issues that face teens today. With this information, appropriate guidelines and rules can be implemented. Promoting an environment of mutual respect makes it easier for teens to accept that rules are put in place to ensure their safety.

Unrealistic – Families, particularly parents, should acknowledge and resigned to the fact that their teen will not be obedient 100% of the time. Keep in mind that teens are transitioning and evolving and with change comes opposition. Assuming that a teen will make responsible choices every time is irrational because even adults exhibit irresponsible behavior. Understand that people make mistakes. Take those opportunities as learning and teachable moments. Sometimes it’s through our mistakes that we learn valuable life lessons. Being your teen’s best friend, by some, is a desirable position. The reality is, this may not happen. However, creating a relationship with your teen that’s built on common respect may result in some of the benefits of being a best friend. These benefits may include your teen sharing some of their secrets with you. But if your teen does not, don’t be discouraged because allowing your teen to seek out friendship beyond the family unit nurtures their ability to find solutions to their problems and let’s them enjoy their newfound privacy. Remember it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Make sure your teen know what secrets should be shared.

Categorize Expectations: Negotiable and Non- Negotiable
Negotiable expectations changes as your teen changes. An example would be when and how often to wash dishes. This category will be more effective if teens take part in creating them. Oftentimes teens will think of things that parents haven’t even thought of. Just because this set of expectations is labeled negotiable, does not mean there are no consequences when a rule is broken. Parents may be surprised that their teen may suggest consequences that are more stringent than what they would think of.

Non-Negotiable expectations are usually established by the parent. An example would be absolutely no drug use unless it is under a physicians care. This category serves to protect the teen’s health and safety. Since you have established a relationship that values the viewpoints of one another, don’t be surprised if your teen wants to challenge these expectations. It’s normal.


Advice During The Process

For Parents
Don’t get discourage.
Don’t alienate your teen.
Embrace this occasion to share the experience of making decisions as a family
When mistakes happen, help your teen through it and learn from it.
Be consistent when administering the consequences of a broken expectation

For Teens
Don’t get discourage.
Don’t alienate your parent.
Embrace this occasion to share the experience of making decisions as a family
When mistakes happen, let your parent help you through it and learn from it.

There may be moments of discomfort and conflict addressing some of these areas of concern. This is a normal phenomenon because teens are developing physically, mentally and emotionally. And expressing their opinions and independence is a healthy sign of teen development. Families should celebrate the time and effort each family member is contributing to make the family relationship better and stronger. To get more information and practice putting these tools into action, call Pinellas County 4-H Youth Development at (727) 582-2450 and sign up for the 2-day workshop 4-H Family Teening- Up. The next workshop will be July 19 and August 2. For more details, call today!

References
“Teening-Up” With Your Adolescent: Parenting Children Ages -16 (Based on an earlier version of Teening-Up with Your Adolescent: Ages 10-16), Positive Discipline, University of Florida IFAS Extension, Gainesville Florida

A Parent’s Guide through the Teen Years
http://pcetimelytopics.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html

The Teen Brain is Different
http://pcetimelytopics.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html

University of Florida IFAS
http://www.ifas.ufl.edu/

A Parent’s Guide through the Teen Years

By Vestina F. Crayton, Pinellas County Extension, Educational Instructor

Transitioning into the teen years is an exciting but challenging time for teens and their parents. This is a time when many changes occur. Some are subtle while others are more obvious. Many times parents and teens have to deal with the results of these changes without warning or preparation. What are some of these changes? Extensive research has been done to identify the following four developmental phases that most teens experience: physical, cognitive, social, and moral.

Physical
To adequately examine this phase, two age categories will be discussed:
early adolescence – ages 10 to 14 and late adolescence 15-18.

Early Adolescence- Generally speaking, for both boys and girls, physical changes takes place around age 11. Girls put on weight, grow taller, and typically enter puberty two years earlier than boys. Boys experience a height or growth spurt at age 14. This activity explains the awkwardness that many early adolescences exhibit. Such as the lower extremities of the body (hands, legs, feet) out grow the torso which creates a seemingly disproportionate body. Girls have broader hips while boys develop broader shoulders. This differentiation is attributed to the affect of sex hormones on skeletal expansion.

Puberty plays a significant role in the normal physical development of an early adolescent. Girls will grow pubic and underarm hair; start menstruating and budding of the breast will become visible. Boys will grow hair on their face and body, the male reproductive organ will enlarge and the voice will deepen.

Late Adolescence-
At this stage of development, most of the rapid growth occurrences are nearly complete. At age 16 and 17 the height of girls and boys, respectively, have reached its end. Boys display larger skeletal muscle while having larger lung and heart capacity. This allows more transport of oxygen from the lungs to the muscle which would explain the difference in muscle between boys and girls.

How do I handle this phase?
Communication is important. But more importantly, is how you communicate. Being compassionate, understanding, and respectful will help your teen cope with this awkward and possibly uncomfortable phase. Explaining that everyone goes through this and that you will be there every step of the way will alleviate some of the stress your teen may feel and open the lines of communication.

Cognitive
In this developmental phase, youth began to mentally process abstract concepts. They begin to think and start asking questions that are not answered by a simple yes or no. They begin self-evaluating by asking questions like ‘what is my purpose?, and ‘what do others think of me?’ This is a critical time because youth been to start categorizing themselves with others. They begin to define who they are. Because the teen is in the process of developing their cognitive ability, analyzing information can become warped and distorted. Research has identified this phenomenon in two ways – imaginary audience and personal fable.

Imaginary audience is when the teen thinks that everyone is looking at and examining them. This causes the teen to be self-conscious. Personal fable is created in conjunction with the imaginary audience. Because the teen thinks everyone is looking at them, an over-inflated sense of self emerges. The teen may start declaring that they are invincible. If left unmonitored, this mode of thinking may cause the teen to take unnecessary risks such as driving recklessly or engaging in unprotected sex.

How do I handle this phase?
Be patient. Be aware. This is a brand new way of thinking for your teen. Take comfort in knowing that this is normal development for learning to process information.

Social
Self identity begins to take form in this stage of development. Teens evaluate themselves through their social interactions with parents, peers, and friends. Research has found that as adolescents transition into the teen years, the time spent with family decreases and the time spent with peers and friends increases. In addition, time spent alone grows. A study revealed that on average youth ages 13-16 years old spend 28 minutes a day with parents and 103 minutes with friends and peers (Buhrmester & Carbery, 1992).

It’s during this time that teens seek support from not only their parents but also their peers and friends. Teens will share their thoughts and feelings about school and different career options with parents; however, teens will bond with other teens when it comes to their emotional trials and triumphs.

How do I handle this phase?
Even though it may appear that your teen does not need you as much as when they were an adolescent, don’t panic. This is a time of exploration and discovery for your teen. Take advantage of the time to guide and provide your teen with invaluable input that will help build a solid foundation to make better decisions that will have a significant impact on the their future .

Moral
The ability to think about others takes shape during this stage. Teens begin to consider the consequences of their actions. More attention is given to how their values and principles compare and/or contrast with society.

How do I handle this phase?
Celebrate and embrace this level of maturity that your teen has achieved. This is a time that you can witness the values that you have instilled in your teen through their behavior and response to the world. Or, revisit some areas that may need some attention.

To learn more about these four stages of development, Pinellas County 4-H Youth Development offers a 4-H Family Teening-Up program. This program is a two-day, 6-hour interactive workshop designed especially for parents and their teens. Through hands-on learning activities, participants will receive tips and implementation strategies on how to respond to these various stages of development. Having this information and using these tips will help you and your teen move through this exciting time more easily. For more information about this valuable program, contact 4-H Youth Development at (727) 582-2450.

References

Helping Teens Answer the Question "Who Am I?" Physical Development in Adolescents: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/fy770

Helping Teens Answer the Question "Who Am I?": Cognitive Development in Adolescents: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/FY769

Helping Teens Answer the Question "Who Am I?": Social Development in Adolescents: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/FY768

Middle Childhood and Adolescent Development: http://extension.oregonstate.edu/catalog/html/ec/ec1527/

University of Minnesota, Extension, A Parent's Guide to Teens:

http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/familydevelopment/DE7607.html

4-H Family Teening-Up program: http://pinellas.ifas.ufl.edu/4-H/family.shtml

The Teen Brain is Different

By Vestina F. Crayton
4-H Youth Development, Extension Educational Instructor

Quite often conversations about teens include a series of questions that begin with ‘why?’ Why do they act that way, why did they do that, why are they dressed that way and so on. Over the years, studies have been done on the teen brain to help answer some of these questions.

In 1999, by utilizing MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) technologies, some researchers were surprised to discover that just before puberty, a second wave of overproduction of gray matter (the thinking part of the teen’s brain) occurs. The teen’s gray matter changes in different functional brain areas at different times in development. For example, the gray matter growth spurt just prior to puberty is predominant in the frontal lobe where brain functions such as planning, impulse control, and reasoning take place.

One noted researcher, Dr. Yurgelun-Todd, Director of Neuropsychology and Cognitive Neuroimaging in Belmont, Mass, shared her thoughts with Frontline on what her research implied. She compared and contrasted how adults and teens process information with the frontal part and the lower (amgydala) part of the brain. Below is and excerpt from the interview.

• Frontline: In adults, how are those two parts of the brain related? What do we see there?


• Yurgulun –Todd: In an adult, this anterior or prefrontal part of the brain carries out a lot of executive functions, or what we call more thinking functions: planning, goal-directed behavior, judgment, insight. And we think that that particular part of the brain influences this more emotional or gut part of the brain. Therefore this relationship is key to understanding behavior. Teens (top image) used less of the prefrontal (upper) region than adults (bottom image) when reading emotion.


• Frontline: What does your work tell you about young teenagers?


• Yurgulun –Todd: One of the implications of this work is that the brain is responding differently to the outside world in teenagers compared to adults. And in particular, with emotional information, the teenager's brain may be responding with more of a gut reaction than an executive or more thinking kind of response. And if that's the case, then one of the things that you expect is that you'll have more of an impulsive behavioral response, instead of a necessarily thoughtful or measured kind of response.”
  Armed with this information, parents, caregivers, teachers, and other adults who question the behavior of teens, can began to understand that the teen brain is a work in progress.

For more information on teen development, contact Pinellas 4-H Youth Development at (727) 582-2450 and sign up to participate in the 4-H Family Teening -Up program. This program is an opportunity for parents and their teen to learn how to communicate and strengthen their relationship.

References:

• To read the interview with Yurgulun-Todd in its entirety, visit http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/todd.html
• Ackerman, Sandra. (2006). The Teen Brain: A World of Their Own. Program Three in the Public Broadcasting Series, The Secret Life of the Brain. Accessed on March 1, 2006 at www.pbs.org/brain.
• Bond, Suzanne & Bond, Dan (2004). Professional Resource Materials for Family Information Services, Minneapolis, MN.
• Wallis, Claudia. (2004, May) What Makes Teens Tick: Inside the Adolescent Brain by Claudia Wallis. Time Magazine.
• Steinberg, Laurence. (2004). The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. Simon and Schuster.
• Walsh, Michael (2004) Why do they Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teenager. Minneapolis, MN: Family Information Services

4-H is Looking for Teens!

By Beth Tobias, 4-H Extension Agent

In case you did not already know, volunteering as a young person has proven to benefit your life in a variety of ways. It not only builds valuable work skills, these experiences also offer leadership opportunities and is a great way to meet new friends. You can check out other benefits at Youth Service California, http://www.yscal.org/index.html

Now that you know all that, how can you possibly turn down this exciting invitation? 4-H has many ways to get involved beyond your club. They include being part of the Tech or Healthy Living Team, or serving on one of the various boards such as 4-H Foundation, Community Grants Board, or 4-H Advisory.

You can log onto the 4-H site for more details on any of the opportunities. So grab a friend and get involved, make a difference!

4- H website: http://pinellas.ifas.ufl.edu/4-H/index.shtml